some ranting.

today there was a defining moment. an epiphany of sorts. something i have been waiting for... for like 2 years. truth that corruption is everywhere... even where i least expected it. today it all fell down.

today reiterated why it is best for me to not put people, programs etc on pedestals above the pedestals i already have them on. it isn't fair and will only be left with disappointment, no expectations.
it isn't fair for me to forget that we all, no matter what age, screw up for love.

i came here trying to figure out trust amongst many other things. i have pulled one card since i have been here and it was the trust card... significant. i prefer to live in a state of trust, i have lived in a state of trust but i haven't been there for quite some time, it was the best. was that trust put in people, directly? no. it was put in the universe, actually. it was just put out into the ethers, i handed it over and hoped for the best. i was strong enough to take on any challenge put before me and saw it there for a reason and every time i gained. it was the trust i put in myself that allowed me to know what to do with it and i acknowledged and addressed the red flags as they appeared... because i stayed on top of everything.

honesty- why don't people just tell each other exactly what is up from the beginning? then let the other person make the best decision for themselves.

BE HONEST FROM THE VERY !@#$ING BEGINNING! juuuuuuussst do it. don't be selfish... make a commitment to figure out what you are missing in yourself so that you don't need to take from someone else.

being honest provides a really solid foundation from which to work onnnnnn !!!!! woooooooo!!!!!!


there just is no more time for this !@#$. like there really isn't. yes. do handle something as soon as you figure out it needs to be handled, as soon as you see yourself falling away. don't wait for yourself to pile up in a garbage can somewhere... eventually realizing that you're dead. sometimes its hard but whats harder? also why im here... trying to regain the energy to dig myself out of the hole i've created for a life. all because i didn't put my foot down and leave an unhealthy relationship when i should have.

part of loving yourself is deciding that you're not going to live a life feeling miserable everyday and figuring out how to stop that from happening.

-the negativity consumed me. ..... NEVER AGAIN. i am out of that old life. i have to be very selective of who i have around me... it's just the way it is.

learn how to love who you really are-- WHO YOU REALLY ARE! then if you want to be with someone, only be with someone you wants to work with you and who also loves who you really are!!!
and how do you figure out who you really are? you try things. you push yourself out of your comfort zone and you challenge yourself and get to know yourself and what things you really like and like to do, what you really feel about things, think of things etc. you stop trying to live the life you think you're supposed to live and you start living the one you want to.


WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM!
fack.