Rewind.

I started a totally different blog but it doesn't seem to be working out- something is wanting me to come back to this one.  It makes sense... it's not over...

"Still riding the wave."

I don't know what the hell happened to me but apparently I asked for it.  I've been researching my brains out... shamanic sickness, schizophrenia, spiritual emergence, spiritual awakening, ego death... I DON'T KNOW but holy !@#$.

I remember being in my bathroom when I lived off Nanaimo and 22nd and begging for something... I don't even remember what exactly... just something... a change... some life... some energy. ANYTHING. Angels.

Then BAM!! Crazy stuff started happening.

Now I am here. I feel like if the seen world and the unseen world were two balls I could set them down on each side of me- I see them both.  Before this, I felt very much in the seen world with episodes and glimpses into what is beyond.  Whatever happened to me blasted me through into the "other side".  I remember being VERY scared because it felt like if I wanted to that it would be so easy to become lost in it forever.... that's what I think happens to a schizophrenic.  I remember having to remember that I needed to not let go... I needed to stay strong and remember that "reality" (where society lives) does exist and that if I'm going to want a life again I'm going to have to hang on.

The last couple days have been really interesting.  A friend of mine came to visit from Edmonton.. on Sunday morning we started chatting about all this stuff... I choked back tears after saying something about things always being hard... is this what life is about... everything always being hard... does it ever get easier.  I thought I found the easier and I did but I also found avoidance (that's another story... ).  Anyways I came home after dropping her off and started writing and cried and started to accept "Broken".  That my heart was broken, the past was over (broken), that shit broke... things fell apart... everything fell apart and this it is what it is.  There was a straw... it broke the camels back.  Then more shit happened... and kept happening... shit was overflowing... gurgling...  the back broke again and again and againnn... that's when I asked for this lol

Now I am grateful because instead of just being pretty sure... I'm now certain. I have also been serious'd (going through this process has been pure hell and not a joke, not a game, it hasn't been funny at all- it's been REALLY hard)... I don't know what is going to come from it yet or what it all means but I know that I am different- even MORE different. I'm pissed off and happy at the same time.  I have clarity and confusion at the same time.  I love and I let go at the same time.  I have empathy and compassion but I see the truth at the same time.  People are starting to look good again to me but evil will always be here- can't be blind.  Ego's are HUGE!  I forgot what they looked like... probably because I was hiding behind mine as well.

I have had all these misunderstandings running through my head today but right now I have a brain block.
It's so funny but not because I want to be like "NOOOO... no, no, no you've got it all wrong" but it's over now.  How do you even talk to someone that horrifies you? Or talk to someone about mundane things when they have so much more than mundane things to talk about? It's all a choice... they have their choices just as much as I have mine.

EXPOSURE.
When the rewards outweigh the risks.......
Why don't we just get real about it.  The biggest problem we all have is that we stay in the closet.  We are all messed up at one point or another.  Let's join together in that... let's all join together in imperfection and call it a damn day :)

I love this. today lol

Tomorrow I could be cursing even harder because I have a splintering headache or because I'm so drained from being around people or machinery. WHO KNOWS. every single day is different. there is no consistency now and some days I feel like the bottom could fall out from under me again but right now I feel good.

I think I'm even writing as much as I can right now because tomorrow I might not want to and I feel like I'm on a roll.

I went to the sweat lodge in North Van yesterday and it was beautiful. The sun was shining and there was still snow.  The leaves had steam coming off of them.  Everything felt so clean.  The land there felt very powerful, my whole body was consumed by it- the word ecstatic passed through my mind when I was walking towards the train tracks.  A tear fell at one point. BAM BAM BAM.

Delicious.

I wrote this from a place where it feels like the world has no conflict.  Like Im living in a world with no conflict because today feels like there is no internal conflict and I had no external conflicts.

It is hard to go from living in a world where there is no conflict to a world where conflict is everywhere.

It's hard going from a world where people have similar values to a world where they are all different
It's hard not being able to control people from hurting other people
It's hard when you find the work you did lying on the office floor of the person you gave it to.
Messages: What messages am I sending out? What messages are you sending out?

stand up. sit down. stand up. sit down.

erase this all or leave it. does it really matter at the end of the day? I'm just one person with one set of thoughts trickling out into the universe. all the thoughts smashing together like bumper cars. so significant, yet so insignificant.

without love we perish. that's why it's all so significant.

but what if we did all perish? if we were all angels that wouldn't be so bad either.

but there are so many cool things to do here and learn about!!

lol meh

goodnight