removed.

i've found myself in a little nook.
i hopped out of michells car a couple of hours ago... i said i was gonna head to this coffee shop we had just passed but they had no wifi so i trekked it to cambie street and up to this other coffee shop i know called beans. it looked like there wasn't going to be any room but i walked to the back and found this tiny little table and this very low to the ground cushy chair in a corner, kind of behind everyone else... EUREKA!!

i battle with speed (not the drug). i feel like i want to move very fast right now, like i just wanna bust through everything and everyone and never stop.

anyways. im sitting here and making myself slow down in my mind but still feeling taunted by time. hate is a strong word but I HATE IT.

k back to this. so about this slow. this slow part is helping me remember the last week and a half of my life. so what's happened? (as i have the david archuleta- everybody wants to rule the world cover on repeat... maybe thats the problem ha) (no... i always feel like this)

so what's happened? well i've decided not to go back to calgary. i got tired of feeling like what i imagine a battered woman would feel like. I had a great job but being sexually harassed all day long, everyday was getting really annoying and living with an abusive roommate started to really suck.

i feel really good about this- staying in bc. there are some positive things coming up.
i wish i could take my feet and actually plant them into the ground !!! i wish i could never move from this chair because this is the first time in a really long time that i feel close to grounded and i know that as soon as i walk out the door i'm gonna be hooped!! ugh.
(ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CONSCIOUS OF IT)

-i was also with beth from the beginning of her labour, through the delivery and then a couple days after. im still trying to find words to describe that experience... i'm still trying to process it all.
-it definitely expanded my horizons... i got to experience something that i never have and i learned about something i never have (except in like grade 7 when they show you that video but that's a joke compared to the real thing)
-it was like an emotional volcano erupted in the delivery room when little elliott appeared. it was like all the air had been released from a balloon, everyone let go. the tears flowed and we all started to breathe again as elliott took her very first breaths with us.
-MIRACULOUS- that is THE word.
-forever grateful to have been able to be there.


i want grounded and free and extraordinary.