holy muther.

im living with my mirror.

she's all the things i want to find in myself again and all the things i'm trying to get rid of in myself.
lastnight i caught, lastnight she broke down.  last night shit got real and real can be hard. staying real can be even harder. she's got the team, i hope she can stay in it.
having a constant reflection can be a serious, serious pain in the ass... constant. is it good or bad? it is trying and i am strong enough to come out the other end as long as i take time out to sit by the river and take the time out to reflect on the reflections. i thought i was coming here for a break... on one hand there has been a break- from the chaos and the annoyance i carried about the muffled being i'd become in vancouver. i became a muffled being in vancouver. on the other hand i have entered into a place of instead of heavy, it's extra heavy. 5 months baby, i can dooooooooo this!!!

this morning i laid there and realized that i truly know what it feels like to not fit the norm (i felt like an alien, but nooow i really feel like an alien- i think i like it but now all i wanna talk about is things i have no one to talk about with- annoying). cheers to being a whacko! at least my life is damn interesting and i prefer being damn curious.

i got to happy doing it "my" way... a way that the majority have never explored, a way that isn't being taught to the majority in large summits enough. you think you're free but you have no idea- is how i really feel.
i can't decide now if "my" way would work for everyone or if "my" way worked for me because i'm "different" and had to find a way that suited me- a way that won't work for everyone else. BUT! if i explain certain things to people and break them down far enough the light bulb does go on for them as well. Is it just because of my age? Is it just odd for someone my age to know what i know? what do i know? 

i was right and it wasn't enough. i need to believe that. the point is to connect and develop things individually (internally) and for the greater good- the greater good happens when you have people growing internally (spiritual growth) and connecting (strength in numbers). you can't connect if you don't know how to build relationships (look at your internal business and look at the environment you're in that is dragging you down from that development). why wasn't there a class on how to build relationships when that was the number one issue for people in practicums? could that even be taught?... must be able to stand strong in self... must know self... how many people really know themselves? i get the image of a graph when i think of that- everyone is at a different stage and each person must grab their own life by the neck and decide to stop being distracted from figuring it out. thats a choice and a difficult one because even tho it should be a natural thing, it's actually going against the grain. how many people are willing to go against the grain? is it fair for me to help you challenge your beliefs? i had to challenge my own, everything i was taught... it was all wrong.

i MUST hold on to my beliefs and my growth even when everything around me is constantly challenging it. it is all true to my core.

i need some fucking fun. i need some wheels!